I'm trying to do better about updating my journal. Honestly, the reason I quit posting so much is because I felt certain comments of my own were under scrutiny. I could even pinpoint who I felt was attacking what I said. Well, I can't tell Dessa not to stop posting if I do so for the same reason. That would make me a hypocrite. That's not good.

I realized this morning that I'm trying to deal with frustrations. It's not major things, just lots of little ones. I really don't have anyone in close proximity to talk to about them. I have a only a handful of friends here. When I say handful I mean about 4. Based on previous events, I had to discard a great deal of people from my life. The people I do have are dealing with so much of their own shyt that they don't have the time for me. So, having said that, I saw myself this morning taking my frustrations out on the people I care about the most. I really wasn't trying to do so, but I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention to my actions. But how do I talk to a person and apologize to them, if they are taking their frustrations out on me as well? I mean, we are both on edge, and I know that I am not making the situation any better. I just wish that we could both slow down for a minute and relax. I think that would make the world of difference for the both of us. I have done it to everyone, one of them being my mother. I felt so horrible about it, but she forgave me because she knows what I'm dealing with for the most part. I've also done it to someone who loves me very much. We've been tight like spandex for a long time. I felt so bad, but he said he understood. He's always been that kind to me. He's like family. I just need to talk to this other person and tell them I'm sorry. But I mean, I don't want to just say it. I would like to have a conversation with them. I know I should try, but that only frustrates them further. Is there any action I can take? Or do I just do nothing?

I'm so frustrated I want to smoke (a cigar...no illegal substances for me). I don't smoke, I hate smoke...that's how much I'm trippin off of this. I just wish they knew and accepted how sorry I am for making their day darker. Cause I know that wasn't cool. I was a real _____________ (substitute whatever word you feel here). I'm out.

~b~

yo, if you EVER need to talk....im here. just make sure its after 7 Sprint be trippin! but on the real, i got ya if you need an ear!! keep ya head up

you need to call me..I'm about to email you my phone # in case you lost it. I think that we all have our bad days, and sometimes feel a little snappy..your human, allow yourself to make mistakes..(currently thinking about taking my own advice.) and well at least you apologized, there are people out there, believe it or not, who refuse to apologize for any pain or discomfort they cause to others. I'm not really familiar with any techniques to help you not take your frustrations out. I guess from a non-medical/yoga standpoint I would suggest possibly being to yourself until you feel a bit more patient or at peace, just explain to them that you need time alone or need to rest or get away for a moment. I hope this tiny bit of commentary helps in some way. I'm off to email you now...

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